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How to Go from Island to Anchor: Transitioning from Dismissive Avoidant to Secure Attachment

Updated: 3 days ago

Imagine an island: a beautiful, secluded piece of land surrounded by the vast, serene ocean. It’s peaceful, untouched, and full of natural beauty. For many, the thought of being on an island evokes feelings of complete serenity, a place to escape the demands of the outside world. There, you can be alone with your thoughts, relying on no one but yourself. The isolation feels safe, offering solace from the complexities of human interaction and emotional entanglements.

How to go from island to anchor attachment style

But while an island offers tranquility, it also comes with a stark truth—its very nature is isolation. It’s separate from the mainland, disconnected, and distant. This is the perfect metaphor for dismissive avoidant attachment, also called Island attachment style. In attachment theory, being an "Island" refers to someone who prefers emotional distance and values independence to the point of detachment from others. While independence can be a strength, the Island attachment style becomes problematic when it leads to emotional withdrawal and avoidance of genuine connection.


The "Island" Attachment Style: Why the Metaphor Fits

In attachment theory, dismissive avoidant individuals are often referred to as Islands because, like a literal island, they are emotionally self-sufficient and prefer to be detached from others. These individuals tend to keep a safe distance from emotional closeness, relying on themselves rather than opening up or depending on others. Here’s why the metaphor works:

  • Self-Reliance: Like an island that exists on its own, people with dismissive avoidant attachment pride themselves on their independence. They are often uncomfortable with vulnerability and rely heavily on themselves for emotional fulfillment.

  • Emotional Distance: Just as an island is separated by water, people with this attachment style create emotional distance between themselves and others. They may keep relationships at surface level, avoiding deeper emotional connections to protect their independence.

  • Avoidance of Closeness: Islands in nature are remote, often hard to reach, just as those with dismissive avoidant attachment can be difficult to get close to emotionally. They tend to avoid intimacy, downplay the importance of relationships, and withdraw when emotional needs are too demanding.


Why Dismissive Avoidant Attachment is Called "Island"

The dismissive avoidant attachment style is rooted in the belief that others cannot be trusted or relied upon, often stemming from early childhood experiences where emotional needs were not consistently met. As a result, people with this attachment style learn to depend only on themselves, much like an isolated island in the ocean.


For them, relationships may feel overwhelming or threatening, particularly if they believe that closeness will lead to loss of autonomy. They prefer the solitude of emotional independence, much like an island prefers its isolation from the mainland. Emotional engagement, intimacy, and vulnerability may feel like unnecessary risks or burdens. They may downplay the importance of relationships and convince themselves that they are better off alone.


For example, a person with the Island attachment style might say:


how to go from island to anchor attachment style
  • "I don’t need anyone to feel fulfilled."

  • "People are too needy, and I don’t have time for that."

  • "I’m fine on my own; relationships just complicate things."


This attitude comes from a place of self-protection. Just as an island is surrounded by the ocean, a dismissive avoidant person surrounds themselves with emotional defenses, keeping others at a distance to avoid the possibility of hurt, disappointment, or the loss of independence.


Living as an Island: The Downside

While being an Island sounds peaceful and self-sufficient on the surface, it can have significant drawbacks, especially in relationships. Over time, the emotional distance they create can lead to loneliness, misunderstandings, and dissatisfaction—for both themselves and their partners.


The Drawbacks of Island Attachment:

  • Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Islands tend to avoid deep emotional connections, which means they miss out on the richness and fulfillment that comes from intimate relationships. They may struggle to experience the comfort and security that emotional closeness provides.

  • Difficulty Relying on Others: The Island's strong need for independence means they have difficulty leaning on others, even when they need support. This can lead to feelings of isolation, even in committed relationships, as their partner may feel shut out or rejected.

  • Avoidance of Vulnerability: Vulnerability is often viewed as a weakness by the Island, but in reality, vulnerability is what builds trust and deepens emotional connections in relationships. Without vulnerability, relationships can feel superficial and disconnected.

  • Emotional Withdrawal: During times of stress or conflict, an Island often withdraws emotionally, creating a larger divide in the relationship. Instead of working through issues, they may shut down, making their partner feel abandoned.


A Loner’s Path: Why Islands Stay Detached

People with Island attachment often operate under the belief that self-reliance is the key to happiness. They are usually uncomfortable with emotional expression, tend to minimize emotional experiences, and may avoid relationships that require too much emotional investment. As a result, they maintain a lone wolf mentality, believing they don’t need anyone else to meet their emotional needs.



In many cases, this attachment style develops from early experiences in childhood where caregivers were emotionally unavailable, distant, or neglectful. These individuals learned that relying on others for emotional support wasn’t safe or rewarding, so they developed a strategy of self-sufficiency to protect themselves. While this strategy may have helped them cope in childhood, it becomes problematic in adult relationships where emotional connection is key.


Think of a partner who prefers to solve all their problems alone. When their significant other tries to offer emotional support, they dismiss it, saying things like, “I’m fine, I don’t need help,” or “I’ll handle this myself.” Over time, the partner offering support may feel like they’re not needed or valued in the relationship. Meanwhile, the Island partner feels overwhelmed by the other’s attempts to connect emotionally, and in response, they withdraw even more.


This dynamic can create a growing emotional distance, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction on both sides.


How to Go from Island to Anchor Attachment Style

While being an Islander might seem like a safe strategy to avoid emotional vulnerability, it ultimately leads to isolation. Fortunately, it is possible to move from an Island (dismissive avoidant) attachment style to an Anchor (secure) attachment style. Anchors feel comfortable with emotional closeness while maintaining a healthy sense of independence, creating balanced, fulfilling relationships.


The process of moving from Island to Anchor involves learning how to:

  • Embrace Vulnerability: Learning to open up and express emotions in a safe, trusting relationship.

  • Trust Others: Building trust in others by allowing yourself to depend on them, even in small ways.

  • Engage Emotionally: Staying emotionally present during difficult conversations or moments of intimacy instead of shutting down or withdrawing.


The journey from Island to Anchor is about embracing vulnerability, emotional connection, and interdependence—finding strength in the balance between independence and closeness.


Unlock the path to deeper connections and emotional healing with our comprehensive 81-Page Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Workbook. Designed specifically for individuals who identify with dismissive-avoidant attachment patterns, this downloadable workbook offers practical tools, exercises, and insights to help you break free from emotional barriers and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.



Inside, you’ll find step-by-step guidance on:

  1. Understanding dismissive-avoidant attachment and its impact on your relationships

  2. Reconnecting with your emotions and learning to express them in a healthy, balanced way

  3. Challenging negative core beliefs about vulnerability and dependence

  4. Building emotional resilience and fostering trust in relationships

  5. Setting healthy boundaries without withdrawing from intimacy

  6. Developing self-compassion and practicing emotional openness in small, manageable steps


This workbook is filled with reflection prompts, practical exercises, and affirmations to help you grow at your own pace, whether you’re working on your own or alongside a therapist. With 81 pages of expert guidance and actionable steps, this resource is perfect for anyone ready to move past emotional avoidance and cultivate deeper, more secure relationships.


Features:

  • Instant digital download for easy access

  • Printable format to work through at your own pace

  • Practical tools for emotional growth and healing

  • Structured exercises to challenge avoidance behaviors

  • Thought-provoking journal prompts and affirmations


Begin your journey toward emotional freedom today with this empowering workbook, and take the first steps toward a life filled with trust, connection, and emotional fulfillment. These worksheets can be a useful resource for therapists, counselors, or anyone looking to improve their mental health and well-being.

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